“Birthdays are harder than grief anniversaries for me because it’s a day that’s supposed to be a happy day.” — Billie Lourd
Actress Billie Lourd marked what would have been her mother Carrie Fisher’s 70th birthday on October 21 by remembering the last one they celebrated together. Fisher turned 60 that day, then died in December 2016. This is the 10th birthday her daughter has faced without her.
“I wish I would’ve known it was her last but you never know a last is a last,” Lourd, 34, wrote in an Instagram tribute.
The memories included the sense of safety she felt with her mother. “Being with my momby when she was at her best felt like home. A warm hug you never want to pull away from. What I imagine it feels like to be in a mother kangaroo’s pouch.”
Lourd also described wishing the Star Wars actress had been able to get sober and be there to celebrate with her family. That is where those words about birthdays come in. She said she woke up angry, a feeling that returns each year on her mother’s birthday, and explained how she gives it room alongside the other emotions the day brings.
“So I try to give myself space to let that anger sit for a moment, then I tell it to scoot over so I can let in the many other feelings I will inevitably feel on this day.”
Her tribute extended to anyone mourning someone they loved who died from drug addiction, or grieving a person with whom they had a complicated relationship.
“May you allow all of the emotional guests to attend the emotional party – anger, sadness, frustration, joy, numbness, warmth, (insert emotion here). You are not alone.”
The line has stayed with people because it names something a happy occasion is not supposed to hold. A birthday carries an expectation of joy, and for Lourd that expectation is what makes the day heavier than a quieter anniversary of loss. Rather than push the anger away, she lets it sit and then makes room for everything else.
